It's hard out here (for a Leafs fan)

Dear Maple Leafs,

It is difficult to maintain the delusion of the Leafs attaining Stanley Cup Glory when the only team with a worse win percentage are the Carolina Hurricanes (who've only won 18.52% of their games thus far this season, compared with our 24%.) Now granted, I'm a hockey-illiterate chump who still doesn't know what offside is - but please, Leafs, do something, anything to stop the Habs fans mockage. There's really something wrong when the most valuable team in the NHL hasn't made the playoffs since 2004 (Pat Quinn I miss you!)

Maple Leafs, I understand your lack of motivation. Your fans are among the most fanatical/delusional in the NHL, so you could be ice-dancing and people would still pay money to see you... (Really, Kaberle and Beauchemin doing a pas-de-deux, I am so there - but I digress.) Last year, you guys ranked 121 out of 122 professional sports teams in terms of fan satisfaction - and that's not just the NHL, that's including the NFL, the NBA and MLB - and still people will pay an arm and a leg with a couple of fingers thrown in as loose change to watch you. The only other team I know that gets that kind of mindless rabid adoration is the Indian cricket team, which - when they're good, they're good, when they're bad, it's all with the hoyvin-and-the-glayvin-and-the-CARNAGE! - and from my experience with them, I know the only thing to do is to fasten my seatbelt, put my tray table in the upright position and wait for the turbulence to end.

To conclude, Maple Leafs, the last time you won the Stanley Cup, my parents were still in high school. Sometime in the future, I expect to procreate, and if you could bring home the Cup before my kids graduate high school? That would be great.

With my best wishes,

Sharon